The Clique of the Ring
by whodreamedit
Summary: Like, oh no! The fellowship have inadvertantly switched places with Four Teenybopper legolas fangirls, Two Homies, A prep and a jock! What will this mean for the future of middle-earth? What will this mean for life as we know it? -Co-written with Khaydari
1. Legless!

Hello! Author #1 here.  
  
It is 11.53 on sunday night, I should be doing some drama homework relating to costume  
  
design or some such thing, but instead I am making a delayed start on the collab. fic  
  
Khaydarin9 and myself are doing. Seeing as this is the first part! (tm). I think I should clear  
  
some things up:  
  
Cleared up things aka disclaimer:  
  
1)All peoples/persons in this fic are...ficticious. Sure we might BASE them on people...maybe  
  
I mean come on, write what you know! But err...mostly they aren't real. So if your blonde  
  
airhead called Britney I am NOT slagging you off...I just happen to find your kind amusing.  
  
Don't complain...you get to go to middle-earth!  
  
2) Tolkein owns everything except the nine wallies we take to Middle-earth.  
  
3) New Line also owns stuff  
  
4) Khay and I own everything else  
  
Thankyou, my loyal readers and fans *queen mother wave*  
  
Peace and loooove  
  
-Seen  
  
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(1)  
  
St. Laurence's school for up-tight rich kids (SLSFUTRK) had a habit of being  
  
overcome by trends. In year seven, there was the trend for digital pocket pets. In year eight  
  
there had been the butterfly clip trend. Now, in Ant's eleventh year of schooling, a new craze  
  
had hit the school. The craze had blond hair, green eyes, and carried a bow and arrow. The craze  
  
was Legolas Greenleaf.  
  
The Craze pissed off Ant something chronic. Ant had actually gone to see lord of the rings,  
  
because she was a fan, not because some of her little clique had told her there were heaps of  
  
'hott guyz' in it. Having seen it eleven times now, she was a might sick of everyone telling her  
  
how cute 'Legless' was, and that she should really go and see the movie.  
  
She was also sick of the row of lockers, each one with at least three pictures of Orlando Bloom.  
  
It wasn't much better in her friend Khay's year either. Infact, it was worse. Year ten students were  
  
at best ignorant, teenyboppery, and boy obsessed. Khay of course was an exception to this rule.  
  
Khay and Ant had been friends for a while. Not close friends perhaps, but they'd been there, in  
  
the back of each others minds as likeminded people they could have a chat to once in awhile.  
  
They were united in their loathing of 'the populars'.  
  
The populars were Britney, Capri, Amber, and Elle. It wasn't just that all four girls were clones of  
  
each other; in the way they dressed, talked, walked and thought. It wasn't just that they strutted  
  
around the school as though they owned it, or that they could have played very convincing parts  
  
in clueless (without having to act). It was when they started their sacraleige of FotR, that Ant  
  
and Khay's dislike of them intensified to the point of hatred.  
  
I mean, there are only so many times you can hear someone talk about how great a movie was  
  
for the simple fact that you got to see 'Legless's' ass.  
  
That said, Britney et al weren't bad girls. They had their moments. They didn't spit on people,  
  
rarely swore, and at least endevoured to hide their bitching (predominantly unsuccessfully).  
  
But hearing them go on about Lord of the Rings as though it was the latest teen movie made  
  
the blood in Ant's veins boil.  
  
It made the blood in someone else's veins boil too. At least it would have, had he still blood  
  
enough to flow through them.  
  
~  
  
Just because someone is dead, doesn't mean they don't still pick up on things. J.R.R Tolkein  
  
was very dead, but he wasn't stupid. He knew that FotR was a movie. He didn't mind that  
  
so much (although he seriously thought they should have reconsidered the casting of Elrond..  
  
Mr. Anderson..). What he minded, like Ant and Khay, was the army of fangirls FotR had  
  
spawned, who payed very little attention to the craftsmanship of his well spun tale, rather  
  
to the craftsmanship of Elijah Wood's baby blues. It set his teeth on edge.  
  
Tolkein had hoped to find solace in a small artsy theater in Australia. He  
  
had expected the fandom in the USA...he'd even expected in the UK. But Australia...well he'd  
  
hoped it might be different.  
  
Then he saw Britney and her clique of blondes.  
  
He wasn't hopeful.  
  
~  
  
A nudge in the ribs.  
  
Capri turned to Britney.  
  
"Oh my godddd..." whispered Britney raspily "Did you see that Orlando guys butt!"  
  
Capri nodded appriciatively, turning back to the screen "ooooh yeahhh...and don't you rekon  
  
that Frodee guy is cute AS?"  
  
"Hell yes!"  
  
Tolkien leant over the back of their seats, watching them. He was invisible.  
  
Amber and Elle had joined the discussion, mid movie.  
  
"I think it's pretty good so far..." Amber initiated...  
  
Tolkien's hopes rose...  
  
"I mean Elijah's eyes are definately carrying the story for me..."  
  
They all giggled.  
  
The fellowship had just left Rivendell. The four were on the edge of their seats, waiting  
  
for the next close up of their favorite elven archer.  
  
In desperation, Tolkien turned to the rest of the cinema for even one viewer with half a brain.  
  
Some homie guys in the back were deep in discussion about the size of Liv Tyler's chest  
  
vs that of Cate Blanchette.  
  
The last corner of the cinema...Tolkien's eyes were full of hope...  
  
A preppy looking uni student was making out with her boyfriend.  
  
That was the final straw.  
  
Did they think Legolas was just a pretty face and a few well aimed arrows? Did they think  
  
Frodo destroyed the ring by sitting there and looking cute all day? And dammit why did  
  
people keep insisting Frodo and Sam were gay?  
  
No, there was only one thing for it.  
  
This cinema audience was about to discover that there was more to FotR than a nice ass  
  
and some baby blues. Tolkien closed his eyes.  
  
(2)  
  
The advantage to being the ghost of a writer who wrote himself an entire new world, is that  
  
you have the ability to take people in and out of that world.  
  
The disadvantage of this particular act, is that if you shove some extra people into that world,  
  
some of the characters in that world pop out, to make room for them.  
  
Nine bewildered teens ended up just outside of Rivendell.  
  
Nine bewildered members of the fellowship ended up in a movie theater in downtown Melbourne.  
  
~  
  
Britney looked around.  
  
Her friends were here, Capri, Amber and Elle.  
  
Two stunned looking homies stood a little way away, rubbing their cranium's in an ape like  
  
fashion.  
  
A girl of about eighteen was clinging to a guy about the same age, demanding to know where they  
  
were.  
  
Slowly, the same thought dawned in Britney's blonde little head.  
  
Where WERE they?  
  
She surveyed the area. It was very green. There were trees, and there was grass, and there  
  
was a good deal of both.  
  
But there were no sheep, or constipated farmers, so it couldn't be New Zealand.  
  
And there weren't any red telephone boxes, so it couldn't be England either.  
  
Biting the tip of a perfectly filed nail, she tried to remember (in her mind with the memory capacity  
  
of a fish) where she'd been just previously.  
  
In the cinema. With her friends. Watching that sexy bloke with the pointy ears.  
  
She squinted, trying to make out the movie theater amongst all this green.  
  
Apparently, the truth had dawned upon Capri, Amber and Elle a little sooner than for Britney.  
  
They rushed over to her.  
  
"Oh my god! Tell me i'm dreaming! I think we're in the movie!"  
  
"In the movie? God Elle get a grip! How can we be in the movie?" Amber argued  
  
"I don't know...but where else are we?"  
  
"New Zealand?"  
  
"There aren't any sheep."  
  
Britney blinked at her friends.  
  
"In the movie...of course!"  
  
It was only then, that she noticed what the poor preppy college student and her boyfriend were so  
  
upset about.  
  
They were dressed oddly.  
  
In point of fact, everyone was dressed oddly.  
  
Capri, Amber and Elle were dressed in odd knickerbocker style trousers, shirts waistcoats and  
  
cloaks. Each girl's hair had gone a little curly, and to their dismay they found they had grown  
  
hair on their feet ("Ew! Like, get me my plucking tongs!" exclaimed Capri).  
  
The two homie guys were a little different.  
  
The tallest, a not bad looking dark haired boy had extremely ragged almost warrior style clothing  
  
on, which sort of looked as though it were made out of a lot of dead cows. He also carried a  
  
large sword.  
  
The one slightly shorter, with sandy blond hair wore finer looking clothing. He appeared to be  
  
pretty happy with his new get up, and was currently ragging the first former-homie, and declaring  
  
himself 'Da man!'.  
  
The Prep and her boyfriend were different again.  
  
The boyfriend...  
  
The boy...  
  
Britney blinked. It was all she could do not to run over to him and start making wild love to him  
  
(okay, perhaps not quite; she reasoned. But she'd definately give him head!).  
  
He was dressed in clothes of silver and green. His hair was a perfect shade of blond to rival Britney's  
  
own. He wore boots. He carried a bow and arrow.  
  
He was the spitting image of the archer guy...Legless!  
  
Capri, Amber and Elle seemed to have noticed this too. They were staring at him, jaws hanging  
  
open.  
  
He himself however, was slightly preoccupied with his sobbing girlfriend.  
  
She wore grey robes and a tall pointed hat.  
  
"Hush Sophie..." he comforted, as he hugged her tightly "Look on the bright side darl', at least  
  
you didn't get the beard..."  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- -----------------------------------------------------------  
  
Quel gasp! How will this band of intrepid teenyboppers fare in the perilous realm of middle-earth,  
  
as the war of the ring plunges them into unavoidable doom?  
  
Quel gasp magnified ten-fold, where does this leave our beloved fellowship, now stranded in  
  
the modern-realm, in what one can only assume to be the clothes of those they switched places  
  
with! (Imagine if you will, Frodo in a halter top).  
  
Even more quel gasp, what WILL Ant and Khay have to say about the dissappearance of  
  
the clique everyone loves to hate?  
  
Tune in next time folks, for Khay's chapter in 'The Clique of the Ring; Blondes really do have more  
  
fun!" 


	2. Blondes really do have more fun!

Squee! Have just had another dose of the VSDs and am fully in LotR humor mode. Yes, before you ask, I do have a thing about Agent Smith - that is, Hugo Weaving (The Matrix actually tops FotR on my fave movie list ... hah!) Guess this means I'll be putting off finishing my HP fic ... again ...  
  
Not-so-important correction - Everybody knows there are nine fellowship members ... but apparently only eight little our-worlders popped into ME (Britney, Amber, Elle, Capri, the two homies and Sophie and her boyfriend, whom I will have to give names to). I shall change the first chapter to accomadate for this amusing, yet slightly inconvenient typo (yeah, everyone forgets Gimli. Hahaha. Notice there was no Gimli in the TT shots.)  
  
And, before you ask, we do not think Frodo and Sam are gay. You might have noticed that. This, however, includes the Gandalf/Legolas thing I can see coming. Ergh. Ugly thought.  
  
Since Seenie (^___^) kindly took care of the disclaimers, I guess I'll get to writing. Prepare to worship Aragorn. Muahahaha.  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
The Clique of the Ring - Part II  
  
Blondes really do have all the fun (as named by Author #1, who also happens to be the #1 Author. A bit of author plugging there)  
  
(3)  
  
'If anyone were to ask my opinion, which I note they have not, I would say we're taking the long way around!' Gimli declared, staring pointedly at the college girl named Sophie. 'Gandalf, we could go through the Mines of Moria. My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome!'  
  
She ignored him completely. 'Where are we?' she demanded loudly, waving her arms about and causing her pointy hat to fall off. 'Is this some kind of joke?'  
  
Britney and her friends exchanged ludicrous glances. There seemed to be some hope. They weren't the only ones where tourists in this new place. She purposely avoided the idea that they could be in the movie. It wasn't possible, she thought. Not that Britney had learned everything that was possible in fifteen years, of course.  
  
But it just couldn't happen!  
  
Although the short, fat dude with the oh-so-1800s beard seemed to look like he was right at home. Like he didn't know what life was like without a mobile phone - which spurred her next thought.  
  
She reached into her pockets ("Urgh ... I'm wearing pants for the first time in, like, years ...") and groped around for her phone. Surprisingly, it was there. Britney had begun to dial almost before she had taken it out of her pocket, and began talking.  
  
'Hi! Mum ... ?'  
  
Britney pursed her finely tailored lips. There seemed to be no satelite coverage. They must indeed be somewhere remote.  
  
'Master Samwise?' the dwarf was looking concerened, although she had to stare hard before she could make out his face among all his facial hair. 'What's that you've got there?'  
  
'Master Samwise ... ?' She heard Capri stiffle a giggle behind her. She whipped around, hands on her hips, to glare at them. Amber, at least, looked slightly apologetic.  
  
'Sam, Britney,' she explained. 'From the movie. Elijah's little hobbit friend.'  
  
When she pulled a blank face, Amber took further measures to enlighten her.  
  
'The Sean Astin dude.' And then she couldn't help herself any more. She grinned openly, flashing her pearly whites.  
  
Britney groaned out loud. 'Oh, shit. I'm gay!'  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
(4)  
  
The first thing Legolas noticed was that he wasn't where he was supposed to be (had he snuck off into Arwen's sleeping quarters in Rivendell - again?). Or, to be more precise, that was the second thing he noticed.  
  
In truth, the first thing he noticed was that the moving picture high above him was kind of good looking. He was clearly an elf, like himself, but he kept moving in an annoying way so that he was moving from one side of the picture of the other in an instant. Legolas admired that sort grace and speed in people, along with long, shiny, white-blond hair and good archery skills. He thought about this for a moment. Then he yelped.  
  
'What evil sorcery is this?' he practically screamed. He tried to leap to his nimble feet, but in doing so tripped over something around his heels and landed hard on his chin. He was staring at the gum-infested floor when he realised that his chin had stubble on it. It was only very slight, but it was stubble. He yelped again.  
  
'Legolas!' A familiar voice rang across the cave that they seemed to be in. The elf picked himself up slowly and carefully, and looked around.  
  
'Gandalf?' he cried, staring around at the baffled people around him. A tall girl standing very nearby spoke.  
  
'Yes, I am here too. Wherever "here" happens to be, of course.' His voice, though slightly feminine, was satirically dry.  
  
Legolas stared, his green eyes wild. 'Gandalf, is that you?' he asked the girl.  
  
He grimaced. 'I seem to have been transfigured into another form - as have you, if you'd take the time to look.'  
  
To his relief, Legolas discovered that he was, in fact, the same gender as he had been when he'd last checked. (V. ugly thought. Don't even go there) Meanwhile, Gandalf became busy interrogating the other occupants of the "cave". Four girls sitting further up, who happened to be clutching themselves in fear, turned out to be Frodo, Sam, Pippin and Merry respectively. All were dressed extremely perculiarily, in items that showed an unseemly among of chest and leg, each leg being about their previous height.  
  
Gandalf moved towards the final two men. They had been sitting together, woollen beanies and all. The taller one seemed to be running a hand over his chin which he was pleasantly surprised to find was nicely stubbled. Aragorn, Gandalf thought. Definitely Aragorn.  
  
Boromir's reincarnation, on the other hand, exploring his new clothing. You couldn't really blame him, wanting to know how many daggers his shirt could hold without showing - although he had considerably less things to worry about finding than some of the other Fellowship members.  
  
Having now calmed the other seven, Gandalf wondered vaguely what had happened to their resident dwarf. Gimli, it seemed, was not there. Could he be dead? Several things had happened in that instant that they had been pulled out of their world. However, if it was the Maia's idea (and it was, naturally. It's all DESTINY ^_^), then who was he to disobey their rather obvious commands?  
  
But, he decided firmly, he was not going outside in this body. It was shameful, if nothing else.  
  
'Strider! Gandalf!' Frodo's shrill cry brought the man and the wizard running. It took a few moments for them to adjust to moving in their clothes, but they managed it. The hobbit's now-brown eyes were hysterical.  
  
'The Ring! They took it!' the girl shrieked, almost in tears.  
  
'What?' Aragorn looked confused. 'Them?' he glanced menacingly at Sam, Merry and Pippin, as if they were sudden competition for Frodo's attention.  
  
'No, not them!' Frodo wailed. 'They!'  
  
'Calm down, Frodo!' Gandalf said swiftly. He wasn't quite sure whether it was motherly instincts or not, but he kneeled down and patted the back of the hobbit's head. Frodo clutched despairingly at Gandalf, who, for the first time, realised that he was a somewhat pathetic person.  
  
Maybe it was the girl's body. That could be it. He didn't feel quite right himself. Aragorn looked perfectly sane, buit that was explainable. All he really needed was his stubble to keep him going, he who detested bathing above all else.  
  
'Do you know where they took it?' Gandalf prompted.  
  
'No ...' whimpered Frodo. His eyes were now red and puffy, a far cry from his former extraordinarily large blues. 'I just woke up ... and it was gone.'  
  
Legolas and Boromir came up, having finally figured out how to move. 'We have to get it back,' Boromir said immediately.  
  
'The Ring must be destroyed,' Legolas agreed, unconsciously putting on the same sort of dramatic emphasis as Elrond always did.  
  
'That's not what I meant,' Boromir frowned, then stopped, realising that he had said too much.  
  
'But the Ring has to be destroyed, doesn't it?' Merry asked with genuine innocence.  
  
'Yes, yes,' the Lord of Gondor said quickly.  
  
'Then we must find it,' Gandalf said grimly, more because it meant he would have to walk around in his new atire than because of any other danger.  
  
'My sword has been taken from me,' Boromir reported, 'by Them.' He said the last word word as if had some sort of scary implication.  
  
'I no longer have my staff,' the wizard agreed.  
  
'I have my sword,' Aragorn said, waving it about. 'I'll lead.'  
  
'There's still a problem, uh, Strider,' Sam put in. His voice was quiet with embarassment, but his girly face was set with determination.  
  
'And what might that be, Master Samwise?'  
  
Sam's face turned pink as he voiced Gandalf's very thoughts. 'I'm not going out in this, if you follow me.' He gestured in an extremely vague fashion at the front of his top. Legolas coughed very suddenly, and went to look outside.  
  
'Be brave, Sam.' Pippin reached over and patted his friend on the shoulder. 'You can't let a ickle thing like this put yeh off, can yeh?' (yes, shitty attempt at Scottish accent)  
  
'It may be only a little thing to you youngesters,' Sam began, outraged. 'What my old Gaffer used to say about your lot-'  
  
'We must all make sacrifices,' Boromir said owlishly.  
  
Gandalf cursed inwardly, but kept up his calm appearance. 'Think of Middle- Earth, Sam. You wouldn't want Middle-Earth to fall just because of your pride.'  
  
'There's a problem with that though, Gandalf,' Legolas reported, having returned from his little side trip. There was a very pained look on his face.  
  
He gazed up at the moving picture that was suspended on one of the walls of the "cave". The rest of the Fellowship followed his gaze, and the elf pointed at the picture.  
  
'That is Middle-Earth. And we are definitely not in Middle-Earth.'  
  
(***and I thought I'd leave it there ... but I thought, nah. not good with cliffies, and doesn't give Seen much to work with***)  
  
A sudden movement made them all jump, and caused Aragorn to snap around with his sword, narrowly missing Legolas' head. It was another girl, who had somehow managed to find her way into the cave.  
  
'Who are you?' Aragorn challenged, feeling that power was an accessory that came with swords.  
  
She stared at him incredously. 'I just came for the next movie. Queen of the Damned. I paid my ticket - look.' And she held up a blue slip of paper.  
  
'Get back!' snarled Boromir. She looked as if he had come from another dimension - which, incidentally, he had.  
  
'Okay, um, how about I sit over there, and not bother you?' she suggested carefully.  
  
'Who are you?' repeated Aragorn, waving his sword about for emphasis.  
  
She sighed. 'Alright, if you stalkers really want to know, my name is Ant.'  
  
She peered around the two aparent-homies and caught sight of "the populars" and grimaced. 'What're you people doing here?' she asked. 'I didn't think vampire movies would be your type.'  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
Now THERE's a true "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto" moment. I knew that my downloaded version of the FotR script would come in handy. A bit of surgery made to chapter one - sorry Seen. Feel free to axe whatever you want from my part.  
  
In the near future - Fire and shadow strike again as the end of Gandalf/Sophie's life draws near - Galadriel receives glomps (to hug with enthusiasm) from Fellowship members, Aragorn gets SHAVED, Elle discovers the Ring is only 18 carat gold.  
  
Oh, and what's going to happen with the cave troll? XD  
  
Cheers. 


	3. Boromir in FUBU y0!

Yo ho ho ma reader homies!  
  
Not that you're my homies.  
  
Not that I even call people homies.  
  
Oh well.  
  
Before I start my rant and explanation I'd like to give shoutouts to Sophy, a loverly girl who read the fic, and was nice enough to msn me to tell me so (and to tell Khay so, too!)! Therefore, this chapter is dedicated to her, and her praise for Clique of the ring (which I will never get sick of, by the way, just so you all know- LOVE ME * does a Galadriel-esque morph *).  
  
If you haven't read chapter two (Khay's chapter) do so before reading this one. This one is gonna be funnn folks! Oh jyeah! Oh if only I could shake off my terrible terrible writers block…  
  
That's about it really! Take care all!  
  
Love  
  
Author #1 (who is not the #1 author. Author #2, is infact, #1 Author. Are you confused? Good)  
  
  
  
(5)  
  
Tolkien had been having a grand old time. He'd floated around Middle- earth, when the young 'earthlings' had dropped in (quite literally) and had been enjoying their reactions immensely. He especially loved Sophie's reaction. Quite, quite classic.  
  
However, on returning to the dimly lit movie theater, which was now dark and quiet, except for the discordant sounds of what could only be elevator music, he was not amused. Surveying the damage he had done to his beloved Fellowship, he felt bad. Very bad! Bad, bad Tolkien! He had never meant to cause poor Frodo so much anguish. He hadn't meant to confuse Gandalf's gender role identity. Tolkien chewed on his pipe in deep thought. Whilst the Fellowship being in the bodies of the modern-day-teenagers certainly made them less conspicuous, and easier to hide, the other side of the coin was, it was distressing them greatly.  
  
On the other hand, the 'clique' in the bodies of the Fellowship was highly amusing, especially rather tall blondes, becoming rather short (male) brunettes. In the end though, he had to concede something must be done to rectify the situation. Every time he glanced over at Frodo, who was conversing with a fairly short dark-haired girl, he felt his heart sink. Frodo just looked too pathetic. Eventually, his mind was made up. They would stay where they were, but receive their original bodies. May as well let them keep each others clothes though. Rugged, bearded Aragorn as a homie was just too enticing to avoid. And besides, Tolkien had never much liked Aragorn personally, anyway – (sorry Khay).  
  
(6)  
  
"Right…nice stunt you er…guys, girls, things- but I am not about to believe your insane tale. Britney, why don't you just take yourself and your little friends- or should I say wigs-on-legs, and go back to the asylum where you bel-"  
  
But Ant's slightly irate speech was cut off by a squeal from Frodo. Before Ant's very eyes, the body of Britney began to fade and dissolve, and with an odd sort of popping sound, in her place stood a small and decidedly furry little creature. Amusingly enough, it still wore Britney's tight lacy boob-tube, and short white skirt (although owing to the creatures height, what should have been a short white skirt was in fact more like a wedding dress).  
  
"That's better!" The creature turned and grinned happily at Ant. "See! I TOLD you we were hobbits…."  
  
Ant blinked. She rubbed her eyes, and blinked again. When that still didn't seem to clear the apparition of Frodo Baggins that stood in front of her, she began to freak out.  
  
Gandalf (resplendent in plaid and a cotton blouse) escorted her to a empty seat.  
  
"Here. Sit."  
  
Dumbly, Ant obeyed. Good grief. This morning she'd just wanted to come and see Queen of the Damned so she could perve a little on Stuart Townsend (can we smell a similar fic whereby Anne Rice turns Ant into Lestat? Of course not! She doesn't like fan fic!) and now she was being 'escorted' by a old man dressed in preppy clothes. She took several deep breaths.  
  
They were still there when she opened her eyes. However, at least they weren't hovering around her anymore. They had retreated to another corner, apparently to discuss things.  
  
"This is GHASTLY!" Boromir complained "Where in the world are we? And who is that peculiar child over there? And to further question our current predicament, WHAT am I wearing?"  
  
"We aren't in the world, that child is a girl named Ant, and you are wearing a fubu shirt, cargo pants and a large gold medallion." Replied Gandalf, who seemed to have found a pipe amongst the clothes he wore, the contents of which appeared to be making him a good deal more cocky.  
  
"I agree with Boromir!" Piped up Pippin, who as yet had remained rather quiet. "This place is scary! I don't like it! It's dark, and this grass feels funny…" he shuffled at the plum red theater carpet with his furry feet.  
  
"Fool of a Took!" Retorted Gandalf, whacking Pippin upside the head, causing him to howl like a three year old "It isn't grass!"  
  
"Oh yes?" Scowled Merry, coming to Pippin's defense immediately "Then just what IS it Mr. Gandalf smarty-pants-guy hmm?" After the words left his mouth he blinked "…What did I just say? Did I say 'smarty-pants-guy'?"  
  
The company nodded. Gandalf sighed, seating himself on another nearby chair. "I know these things, master Brandybuck, because I have the power to know. And what it is that I know, what I can gather from the mixed aura this place gives off, is that we are a long way from our home…"  
  
Pippin's eyes filled with tears.  
  
"Do you think it's possible to return?" Aragorn walked over to Gandalf, narrowly avoiding tripping over his pant legs, which were far longer and baggier than what he was used to.  
  
"Possible, yes, probably…not for a while. I can only hazard a guess to why this has happened, but I would say it is all for the best. Destiny, if you will. I am sure the ring is in…good hands…"  
  
Frodo cast a skeptical look around the theater. "Yeah…totally…"  
  
(7)  
  
Gimli stared open mouthed at Legolas. Or rather, what had been Legolas up to about three seconds ago. Now it was not half so good looking, possessed a rather squashed looking nose, and was hugging Gandalf, or what was FORMERLY Gandalf, possessively.  
  
"Just…just…BEGONE foul bearded…thing! Leave my woman alone!"  
  
Gandalf cuddled up to Legolas and smiled sweetly "Awww you are SO sweet Robbieee!"  
  
"I know, I know hon!" He grinned widely, displaying slightly yellowed teeth.  
  
Whilst Gimli was not one to preach on the sanitation and personal hygiene of others (lets face it, he had little himself), this….boy was certainly a poor replacement for the spic-and-span Legolas he was accustomed to. He growled.  
  
"I don't know where you come from, but I suggest you return! Just as soon, that is, as you have told me WHAT you have done with Gandalf and Legolas!"  
  
He was about to turn and accost the hobbits and men, asking if they'd seen where Gandalf and Legolas had gone, when he realised something.  
  
They weren't there.  
  
In their place stood four young girls- pretty little things actually, resembling a more youthful Galadriel, perhaps, though less queenly- and in place of the men, Aragorn and Boromir, two dirty, scruffy young men standing there in their clothes. Actually, on closer inspection perhaps they were still Boromir and Aragorn after all. No, no, they weren't. Just a little hard to tell. But these two actually looked marginally cleaner than Gimli's Fellowship friends.  
  
"What is this!" He raged, tossing his dwarven locks about his slightly purplish face "What have you done with my…!"  
  
But at that moment, he was cut off.  
  
From out of her pocket, Britney had drawn a small golden ring on a chain, and was in the process of slipping it on her tanned, long finger…  
  
Gimli dived, attempting to stop her before it was too late…  
  
But, c'est la vie, the opportunity had passed.  
  
Britney disappeared.  
  
And far in the distance, and peal of high-pitched, gut-wrenching screams could be heard.  
  
  
  
"…They will find the ring…and kill the one who carries it."  
  
  
  
Oh god! Look! Black riders after our precious clique! Quel domage and gee whiz! What will they do? Meanwhile, Tolkien should be happy now that Frodo is no longer suffering in silence…or in loudness as the case may be, and perhaps Ant will rabidly attack Frodo, assuming he is Elijah Wood, and demand an autograph. Or perhaps she will quietly remain in the cinema, eat popcorn, and drool over Stuart Townsend.  
  
Who knows  
  
Who cares?  
  
Hopefully you!  
  
Till neck time, stay tuned for part four of Clique of the Ring, where maybe the plot will actually start to move! 


	4. The fellowship forge on

Indeed.  
  
Plot needs to move *gets behind plot and shoves it along*  
  
Yeah, Sophy is the bomb ^_^ And nooo ... I don't normally talk like that. Yayness.  
  
--Author #2, who refuses to be called the #1 author because it would stand to reason that Author #1 is the #1 Author, because 2 is not 1, and 2 can never be 1, and for grammatical reasons if nothing else. Oh heck, just call me Khay. Or maybe Darin. I don't know, and I don't care. Pick one.  
  
-----------------------  
  
(8)  
  
Elle, Amber and Capri looked around frantically for Britney. It had seemed as if she had simply disappeared without a trace - although, just thinking about it (and that in itself was hard work), did anyone ever vanish with a trace?  
  
Perhaps it was one of life's little secrets. Yes. That must be it.  
  
Something of a discontented grunt issued from the space to the left of Amber. Open-jawed, Elle reached out with her hand to see what was there. Her hand touched something warm and very much solid; she shrieked and leapt backwards, tripping over the homie with the very big sword.  
  
A loud 'Geroff! Geroff meh!' ensued, but it wasn't loud enough to block out Britney's next comment.  
  
'I swear this thing is only eighteen carats gold,' she said, sounding suitably puzzled. There was a slight popping noise and she re-appeared, holding the Ring in her hand. Gimli threw his battle axe aside and leapt at her with a furious roar. Britney screamed for fear of short, ugly men who braided their beards and were thus obviously homosexuals. They tussled on the ground for a moment, the girl scrambling as far away from him as she could get, but he would not back off.  
  
'Why do YOU have the Ring?' he demanded. 'Where's Frodo, and Aragorn, and the rest of them? What've you done with them? By my uncle Balin, if they're hurt in any way-'  
  
'If yeh hurt her in any way-' the wielder of the big, manly sword interrupted threateningly. 'I'll ... I'll ...'  
  
His companion homie, blessed with sudden inspiration, nudged his friend and whispered in his ear. Big Sword turned to grin at his friend. Greasy Stubble grinned back.  
  
(Author's Interruption/Warning: Extremely bad dialogue ensues. I have no idea how homies talk so ... don't shoot me. I'm sort of imagining Snake, from the Simpsons with his "Thanksss amigoss. Boi!")  
  
'I'll take yer head off with this sword o' mine,' Big Sword said dramatically, though it sounded like he was reciting words from a play. He turned to face Greasy Stubble. 'Connor, my man, you are so good at this thing.'  
  
Connor slapped his friend's shoulder. 'Indeed, I am.'  
  
'Okay, enough of this!' proclaimed Richie, formerly known as Legolas. Sophie was cuddled at his side, still clad in monochromatic grey robes, pointy hat aside. One of his arms was wrapped protectively around her shoulders; the other was on his hips.  
  
'I think we've all had enough of this - this prank,' he continued boldly. 'And we want it to end. Right now.'  
  
They waited for a few moments.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
'What do we do now?' said Sophie, clinging to Richie's arm all the tighter.  
  
'Never fear,' he told her and the rest of the company. 'I didn't really expect anyone to own up to this. That was Plan A, anyway.'  
  
'Then what's plan B?' Capri ventured.  
  
'Plan B? We go along with it, of course!' he said airily. 'It can only go on for so long - until the story runs out. So all we have to do is get to the end of the story.'  
  
There was a murmur of general agreement. But this miraculous plan, brilliant as it was, still had some faults.  
  
'Okay ...' said Britney, thinking that this sounded simple enough. 'So ... how does the story go?'  
  
Sophie spoke up. 'We studied the books in first year uni. All we have to do is get that -' she pointed to the Ring in Britney's hand '- to there.' She nodded in the direction of the ominous, dark-looking mountains on the eastern horizon.  
  
'Okay,' Amber shrugged. 'That's easy. I can't believe they made a movie out of this.'  
  
'Let's get started then,' suggested Connor.  
  
Gimli, though somewhat dazed about the happenings of the last few minutes, followed them down the mountain haplessly. At least, he thought, they had some idea about what they were supposed to do.  
  
-----------------------  
  
(9)  
  
Several things had clicked for Ant during that conversation. The confusion had all started when she had seen the "clique" in to see a vampire movie. How peculiar. Then, if that wasn't strange enough, they had metamorphosized before her very eyes into several admittedly good looking people (at least they were the right gender to be good looking this time). But now, she thought she had it all figured out.  
  
'I know who you are!' she shouted, getting out of the plush cinema seat. Her eyes fixed upon Frodo, now considerably less pathetic (thank the mighty Elendil for that). Frodo cowered away as she advanced on him, and Aragorn laid his hand on the hilt of his sword. 'You're Elijah Wood.'  
  
Frodo looked around, as if she might have been talking to someone else, and made a face. 'Elijah? Who's he? And what kind of name IS that?'  
  
Ant looked furious for a couple of reasons. 'Elijah is a VERY nice name,' she insisted. 'A very nice name for a very nice person.' She grinned fangirlishly. 'If that is you Elijah ... I want you to know that I'm you're biggest fan ...'  
  
She swallowed hard, and continued. 'And if you're not Elijah, like you say, then you must be Frodo Baggins.'  
  
Frodo cast a nervous look up at Gandalf, blouse and all. 'No,' he said finally. 'You must be talking about some other Frodo. I'm ... er ... Frodo Underhill.'  
  
'No, you're not,' Ant countered. 'You're Frodo Baggins.'  
  
'Underhill,' insisted Frodo.  
  
'Baggins.'  
  
'UNDERHILL!' screamed Frodo, his voice echoing off the walls of the cinema. Legolas covered his delicate Elf ears with a wince of heroic fortitude.  
  
'I know a Baggins,' Pippin said suddenly, his eyes glazed over and his voice dreamy. 'Frodo Baggins, over there. He's my second cousin, once removed on his Mother's side.'  
  
Sam's eyes grew shifty. 'You've said that before, Master Pippin, if I'm not mistaken.'  
  
Ant blinked. 'Hold that thought,' she said urgently, and made for the cinema door. The mismatched, cross-dressed Fellowship stared at each other as she ran out, calling, 'Don't move a muscle!'  
  
Outside, in the hallway, Ant slipped two coins into the payphone and dialed furiously. A hoarse, still-asleep voice greeted her on the other side of the line.  
  
'Yeah?' Khay's voice was distracted.  
  
'This is Ant,' the bearer of the name stated, unable to contain her excitement.  
  
'Hello Ant,' Khay said. Then, in a more sinister tone, 'What're you doing at this time in the morning?'  
  
'I'm at the cinema ... I wanted to see Queen of the Damned on its first day out, you know, and you won't believe who I met here.'  
  
'Elijah Wood?' Her voice perked somewhat.  
  
'Nooooo,' Ant dragged the word out. 'But I met the next best person-'  
  
'Viggo Mortensen?' Khay was positively squealing now. Ant's expression darkened.  
  
'Khay, Viggo Mortensen is three times your age.'  
  
There was a disgrunted silence so she continued. 'Never mind about Viggo Mortensen, because - and I know you won't believe me the first time around, and that's why I want you to get up here as fast as you can, but - the Fellowship are here in the cinema.'  
  
'You're not serious,' Khay still sounded annoyed that Ant had ruined her moment.  
  
'I am - look, just come around to Chadstone - I swear, that's all. I want you to see this. How soon can you be here?'  
  
A yawn. 'If I get out of bed in fifteen minutes, I can be there in twenty.'  
  
'Get out of bed now!' directed Ant, and she hung up. She turned around, and facefaulted.  
  
Eight figures, horribly dressed, were just coming out of a cinema - one of them carrying a highly visible and authentic-looking sword. They were already attracting giggles and stares from onlookers, and they hadn't even gone anywhere yet.  
  
Well, they wouldn't be going anywhere if Ant could help it. She hurried over to them, trying to look nonchalant at the same time. It wasn't easy.  
  
'What're you doing?' she hissed at them, waving her hands in their faces. 'Get back in there. You're attracting attention.'  
  
'Enough of your warnings, girl,' Boromir said imperiously. 'We go where we need to go.'  
  
And they strode out into the open, leaving Ant behind.  
  
----------------------  
  
Yes, this is a shameless self insertion. At least we acknowledge it ^_^ It's meant to be part of the fun anyway. At least we're not the ones getting transported to Middle Earth to save it - on the contrary, we get Elijah, Dominic, Billy, Viggo (we knew I'd throw him in there somewhere), Sean, Sean and Ian (*throws Orli to the fangirls*).  
  
Yum - Boromir in Fubu XD. All acknowledge the mighty power of Seen and her keyboard.  
  
Hurrah for fudge and hot chocolate. 


	5. Scream if you like Legolas

Well! It's been a good while since I wrote any of THIS hasn't it? The answer is: yes, yes it has, oh great and powerful Seenbean, lord of the fics! (lordess of the fics perhaps? Lady of the fics? Twit of the fics? Yeah.)  
  
I haven't spoken with Khay for quite some time, and I'm not sure she'll wish to write another chapter after this one. However, for the time being, please enjoy this offering - and as always, RnR! Cos' it makes me happy and shiny and dancey! Oh yes it does!  
  
Take care darlings -SB  
  
~  
  
Ant watched horrified as the homie-fied, bopper-fied Fellowship marched with great determination (and a good deal of prancing, on Legolas' part) into the main foyer of the cinema. She clutched the received of the payphone to her as if someone it would be able to prevent the inevitable riot that was about to breakout in the sleep suburban theatre.  
  
Aragorn turned to the company, halting them. "  
  
"Right! Headcount! Number off, one to nine!"  
  
Merry made a face, behind Aragorn's back, and Pippin giggled. Aragorn wheeled round to face the two small hobbits, and glared at them.  
  
"THINK IT'S FUNNY DO YOU!? STUCK IN ENEMY TERRITORY DRESSED LIKE.LIKE."  
  
"Pretty girls?" Frodo smiled, twirling.  
  
"LIKE DAMNED SERVING WENCHES! And er.." He looked Boromir up and down "I have no idea what you're supposed to be, mate.."  
  
"Could say the same for you" Boromir remarked sulkily, pulling up his baggy pants to prevent displaying his manly (somewhat unwashed) buttox to the general public.  
  
~  
  
Whilst Richie may have been a uni student, he was not a man of many brains. He certainly had never had any tactical training, and was probably abysmal at playing spotlight.  
  
As such, it should not have been Richie who was chosen to lead the pseudo- fellowship down the grassy hill, and onto the plains.  
  
Britney twirled her hair (which was quite difficult now, as it had shortened and become naturally curly) and turned to Amber. "I'm not sure I'm going to like it here." Her voice was whingey and irritating. It was even getting on Amber's nerves.  
  
"Why not!?" Capri inquired, incredulously "It'll be great! Hey maybe we'll run into those hot guys from the movie, right?"  
  
Gimli, who had heard that statement, glowed with pride. He was a hot guy! Then he realised something.  
  
"You won't get to meet them, little lassies" He nodded, curtly "You're replacing them. My guess is they'll be wherever YOU came from." he looked at them slightly coldly, as though it was entirely their fault that Frodo and co. were now in some unchartered land possibly facing all manner of evil (in point of fact, it was entirely their fault - but they were too stupid to realise it).  
  
Britney scowled at the short, portly dwarf, and placed her hands on her hips. "I don't like being SPOKEN too like that you.you.undergrown poor excuse for a garden gnome!"  
  
Gimli's beard bristled and he narrowed his deepset eyes "GNOME!? I'll give YOU gnome young lady!" He brandished his axe - not particularly intended to kill Britney. Just make her feel pain. Oh yes. Pain.  
  
However, Connor had been witnessing this event, and was less than amused at Gimli attacking his possible snuggle-buddy. He growled, and with great bravado, and little sense, threw himself at the drawf, unbalancing him with a cry of "BOOYAKASHA"  
  
The noise resounded throughout the valley.  
  
And in the distance, the eerie and earsplitting cry of the wraiths of Mordor could be heard.  
  
~  
  
The clique were not the only ones arousing unwanted attention through hissy- fits.  
  
Aragorn's outburst had alerted a large bunch of movie goers, just exiting FotR, of their presence.  
  
The fellowship froze.  
  
So did the collection of teenage girls standing just outside the cinema door.  
  
A silent wind blew from the airconditioning unit. An empty popcorn carton blew across the space between the two grounds. Over the cinema sound system, a wild west theme began to play, advertising some new movie.  
  
Then one of the girls opened her cavernous mouth.  
  
"IT'S ORLANDO BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM"  
  
The fellowship flinched, and froze, as the entire body of girls - some big some little, some short, some tall, some stout, some thin, some black, some white, some blonde, some not-so-blonde - dashed towards them emitting an earpiercing sound that would rival the nazguls own.  
  
"Holy SH-" Aragorn began, before Gandalf interjected  
  
"This evil is beyond any of you...RUN!!!!!!!!"  
  
~  
  
Where do we go from here? Will Legolas stand there silently and wet himself whilst the others make their escape, thus leaving him to the mercy of the dreaded fangirls?  
  
Will the Nazgul eat Britney's head, and thus save the world as we know it?  
  
None can say! But YOU shall see.. 


End file.
